I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
