I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
