there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
