I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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