I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
