oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar