Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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