that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
