I'm gonna have a badass scar
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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