I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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