The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
