Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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