So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
