I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
