the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
