Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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