At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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