The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
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i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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