So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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