Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
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I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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