Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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