you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
