OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
