Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
