this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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