o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
