someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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