Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
