The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
