I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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