That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
