happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
