my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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