They should really pass out barf bags in church
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
