Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
