she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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