i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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