I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
