Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
