Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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