We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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