Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I haven't been this sober since birth.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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