you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
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Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
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I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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