this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
