Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
