I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
