He kissed a someone with a penis
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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