your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
