Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
