I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
