Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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