im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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