Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
