and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I got inside last night via doggy door
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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