what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
