There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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